Home bound!

It started reaching the end of July, which meant we would be going back home in just a few weeks!! Still in a depressive state, I finally had something too look forward to. Home. Family. Friends. This not only brought out excitement, but it brought up a lot nerves for me. Everyone was going to want to talk about it, ask questions, hug.. I wasn't ready to face my reality.I had done so well ignoring what happened that I didn't feel I needed to deal with it anymore. It happened, and it was over. I was nervous that I was going to be socially awkward since I had really distanced myself from everyone and secluded myself. I had never been a socially awkward person in my life! But, now I was. It has been about two years and I am still working through this socially awkward stage I pulled myself into. 

I started looking through apartments. We planned on moving back to Logan, UT. Where I grew up and we had started our marriage. But, we were ready for some change so we started looking a little more south down into south Ogden-Layton area. It was exhilarating that we were finally making plans to come back. We started looking for jobs, that was a big obstacle for us. Looking for jobs out of state, hoping to come back to somewhere to make money. To look at apartments and have one set up before making the move so we had somewhere other than our parents homes to go home to. My mother in-law was able to get me an over the phone interview for a job I just knew I would love! To my surprise they gave me the job over the phone! I was excited to go home and work as a special education aide in an elementary school! It was something I had passion for. This also made our decision where we would live. Washington Terrace, UT. Luckily, our best friends lived in this area in an apartment complex. So we made the next big decision to put a deposit down on the same complex knowing we could trust their opinion. Things were finally getting Sheldon and I to show some actual emotion. 

The next few weeks dragged on. We talked a lot about what life would be like moving home. Then the topic I had been dreading was brought up. When we get back and will be living closer to my fertility specialist would we start trying again? We had taken the whole summer off. We had been through something traumatic. Would we ever be ready for this step again? Although being parents was the biggest thing we wanted..we both decided we weren't ready for the fertility train ride again yet. We needed to get home, get back to life and work on ourselves. We weren't ready to bring a child into our home until we had worked a lot of things out and actually take the time to deal with what had happened together. Neither of us were happy with the decision to not go home and try, but that's what we felt was the right thing. I had really let me PCOS get to me during the summer. I had still been refusing my metformin. I ate whatever, and whenever I wanted while I was home alone all day 6 days a week. I had got to my heaviest weight. I we knew I needed to lose some weight to better our chances of getting pregnant. 

FINALLY!! THE DAY WE LEAVE TO GO HOME! I would have expected it to be bitter-sweet. But we could NOT wait to get home. In fact, we were so excited that we drove 19 hrs straight. We didn't stop to sleep, we stopped twice to get food, and of course bathroom breaks. It was the most fun we had in months. It was really the most time we had actually got to spend with each other in the last four months. We were about 3 hours away from my parents house, it was about 1 in the morning, and the road started to get scary. We were in the middle of Wyoming with nothing around except about 3,000 animals! Deer and antelope were all over the road, bunnies were jumping towards our headlights. We were both clearly scared. There was nothing we could do except continue driving. We took it extremely slow, and had ours eyes peeled back until we finally reached Bear Lake. I'm sure my husband doesn't know this, but the moment we drove into Bear Lake and I knew where we were I started to tear up and cry the happiest tears. I was overwhelmed with the unfamiliar feeling of happiness and excitement. 

About a week later we were all moved into our apartment, I had started my job and Sheldon was still doing a million interviews a week trying to find the right job. Living next to our friends was so good for us. We started spending quality time with each other every day, I finally was feeling like me. Which I didn't expect because I came home to my two closest friends being pregnant. I struggled continually thinking that would have been me. They were both pregnant within 6 weeks of my first miscarriage. But,I knew if I wanted to continue being in their lives I had to look at it from a different perspective. I then got so excited for them, I was excited to be able to hold and love on their babies. And see them enter motherhood, I knew that when it was the right time it would happen for us. Until then, I would love my kids at school. 

About 3 months later, Sheldon and I decided we were ready to go in and talk to my fertility specialist. Seeing our friends become parents made us want it more than ever. We were willing to put ourselves out there. We continually talked about trying again, or should we do adoption and maybe try again later? Our doctor had told us before we left for the summer that he was willing to do one more round of fertility before doing IVF. Which at that point, adoption would be more affordable. So, I called in and made an appointment about a week out. Two days later, my mother in-law that worked at the same school as I did, stopped by my classroom. I stepped out to see what she needed, she then asked me, "Can you guys take a baby this week?" Our conversation quickly lead to a phone call that would change our entire lives forever.