Reality sets in

So, as you all know from my last post. I had just found out that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, often called PCOS. Of course, the first thing I did after getting home was hopping over to the all knowing google to expand my knowledge and have a better understanding of what my doctor just explained to me. Multiple articles pop up. I start glancing through not sure where to start reading first. I see so many things that made my heart drop. "PCOS and infertility" "cant get pregnant" "diabetes" "higher risk for cancer" "weight gain" "obesity" "facial hair" "abdominal pain". WHERE DOES A 17 YEAR OLD GIRL START!? 

I remember so vividly, just bawling in my room. I was in denial that any of these things would ever happen to me. How could this be? What did I do wrong? There has to be a CURE right? No. Wrong. NO cure. But, I can treat the symptoms. So after consulting with my doctor we decided to start me on a medication called metformin. This was going to help solve my problems. I start the medication right away. A few days into this new medication I started having terrible abdominal pains, nausea, puking, and IBS. My mom and I decided my body would get used to it and I had to keep taking it, the other option would be living with the possible symptoms listed above. That was no way to live in my head. 

A few months later, I started gaining weight. I was always athletic and fit and always had a somewhat muscly body. The weight gain really took its toll on me. I hit another stage of denial. After some blood tests, it was decided. I was insulin resistant. One of my biggest struggles to this day with my PCOS. So, that means my body holds on to fat instead of burning my fat. I fought so many times with my mom about how UNFAIR it is that me out of all the other people had to eat carefully..I am still a kid, I want to eat how i want to eat and have what sounds tasty to me. But, I couldn't. At least not with out the consequence of gaining more weight. I chose to not notice all the weight gain. 

After 18 months of my metformin things turn for the worse. The symptoms NEVER went away. I had lost weight due to the metformin. I'm assuming because I couldn't hardly keep food down or I was in too much pain to eat. I made the decision when I was 18 that it was time for me to stop my metformin. My doctor warned me about the possibilities of me not taking the medication. But, how could I live my best life feeling that way? I was then sent to a new doctor down at the University Of Utah to a reproductive endocrinologist. My biggest fear was hearing from my old doctor how I probably was not going to be able to have children. Which, if you know me is all I have ever wanted in life. My dream job was being a mom. This doctor gave me a new hope, he told me he knows I could get pregnant and he was going to help me when the time was right. This didn't stop me from being skeptical, or from hearing the words from my old doctor that haunted me. 

The more I started dating and knowing I could be "meeting the right guy" at my age I started warning any guy that got close to me that there is a large possibility that I wasn't going to be able to have any kids of my own. To a lot of guys that was a huge deal breaker. I started digging myself into a very deep hole of depression. I started to hate myself, I didn't want to continue living, if it meant living with PCOS. I couldn't go on if I wasn't going to be able to be a mom. That fear dug itself into the pit of my soul. It has never let me forget what my future is filled with. I would sit in my apartment with the windows and blinds closed and I would mope. One day, my mom came over unannounced opened my blinds and in a nutshell told me to pull myself out of this rut. 

I started working on myself because she was right, what I am doing is getting me nowhere in life. So I started taking care of my soul. Not realizing I was neglecting my physical me. I wasn't eating right, I still wasn't taking my medication. But, why did that matter? I was finally feeling better and climbing out of the nasty hole I was stuck in!  I had stopped dating and figured it was time for me to get back out there. I downloaded the dating app Tinder, after a few months I met this incredible guy. The closer we got I dreaded knowing what I had to tell him...I might not be able to have kids. He turned and he asked me, "well, are you up for adopting?" and I responded to him with, "funny you ask, i"ve always wanted to adopt even if I could have kids". So it was decided, he didn't mind! This was a huge turn for me. I found someone who accepts me and my leaching pearl necklace. Our wedding date was soon set, without knowing the heartbreak our next steps in life would cause.